Mising Congeniality
by Eric Bloodstone
Summary: A gentle Parody of the movie. The FBI's most Macho agent has to swap bods with a Miss USA Contestant to protect the contest!


Missing Congeniality  
By Eric  
  
Thanks, as always, to Steve Zink for his editing. No one does it better!  
  
(This story gently kids the great movie 'Miss Congeniality', and no copyright infringement is intended.)  
  
  
FBI District Supervisor Harrison looked over his team. They were going to bust up a big time Russian   
Mafia exchange with the homegrown New York Mafia. Nothing could go wrong, he was sure. He then   
looked at Rick Sherwood. "Sherwood, remember -- obey orders -- don't go charging in like John Wayne   
with a hangover."  
  
"Not a problem, chief! You can trust me."  
  
Harrison just winced -- he hated when his men said that -- especially Sherwood. Most FBI men were   
obsessively neat. Sherwood was the Oscar of the group, a day beard, unpressed pants, and no tie. But even   
at twenty-eight, he was the best shot and martial arts man the Eastern Seaboard had. But, so what?! Why   
couldn't he be like the reliable and safe Casper? The man always LOOKED like an FBI agent.   
  
The supercilious Casper leaned over, and said to Sherwood, "Yeah, as if your head isn't hot enough to light   
a cigar."  
  
"Eat shit, ass hole!" Rick replied, furiously.  
  
"See what I mean?" smirked Casper. He was in his early thirties, a very neat, well-dressed man in his three   
piece suit.  
  
"Well, at least I can fight -- you worry more about your tailoring than the enemy -- Oh please, bad guys,   
don't mess up my suit! Gosh, you ruined my tie! I can't chase the bad guys, because I might scuff my   
shoes. Casper, you're like the friendly ghost, when the action starts, you're great at fading away and   
disappearing."  
  
Casper wanted to punch Sherwood, but controlled himself. The guy was such a jerk, no friends, and no   
women. Besides, Sherwood could kick his ass without working up a sweat. But Rick was as helpless as a   
child in dealing with verbal assaults. He smiled, and said kindly, "At least I have a life. Where's yours?   
I've never known you to even have a girlfriend!"  
  
Sherwood almost whirled and smashed Casper's smug, smiling face. He controlled himself with an effort.   
But Casper was right; he was so damn shy around females! His late dad was an ex-Green Beret who raised   
him after his mother had died when Rick was only two. Sherwood always did the wrong thing around   
women, and had long since decided it was better to be alone than be despised. So he had affected a 'women   
are too silly and stupid to be bothered with' persona as protective coloration.  
  
"Remember, we want these guys alive," reminded Harrison, watching his teammates going at each other as   
usual.  
  
The men nodded. Sherwood shook off his reverie. His heart pounded, and his body filled with adrenaline.   
This is what he lived for, smashing bad guys. Just like his dad had done.  
  
* * *  
  
The crooks were caught by surprise. Their hands went up. All the agents relaxed a little, except for   
Sherwood. It was too easy! His eyes roamed the warehouse. Up there was a hidden guard, lining up a   
heavy machine gun.   
  
He took quick aim and fired, and the guy fell. The distracted agents whirled to the sound of the shot and   
the falling body. The local and Russian hoods went for their guns, and started firing. The agents dropped   
to the ground and returned fire. Two agents were wounded. The hoods had the advantage of cover, and it   
looked to be a long, bloody battle. Sherwood rolled forward, and grabbed the fallen man's heavy machine   
gun. Bullets whizzed around him. He started firing, and the powerful weapon's projectiles went through   
the tipped over steel tables like cardboard. The bad guys were knocked down like pins in a bowling alley.   
Then the shooting was over.   
  
Sherwood felt rather proud of himself. He had saved the day.   
  
Harrison came over. He was mad. He had misjudged the situation, and two men were wounded. Who   
could he blame for his mistakes, to protect his record?   
  
"Sherwood, what part of 'No shooting, I want to take them alive' didn't you understand?"  
  
Sherwood was stunned. "But, sir-"  
  
"No buts, this isn't going to look good on your record."  
  
Sherwood barely was able to keep himself from slugging his chief. The bureaucratic ass hole! He shook   
with suppressed fury.  
  
Harrison smiled. He always disliked Sherwood. "How does the next four weeks dealing with all the   
paperwork sound to you?"  
  
Sherwood stammered, "But...I hate paper work!"  
  
"I know," said Harrison, smiling even more broadly.  
  
* * *  
  
Later, looking at the mile high stack of forms to be handled, Sherwood muttered to himself, "Life sure   
sucks!" He felt like quitting and maybe going to the papers, but he wouldn't give Harrison the satisfaction.   
Besides, his late dad hadn't raised him to be a quitter. So he did what he could to irritate Harrison, showing   
up unshaven in running shoes and sweats!  
  
A few days later, the bureau got a letter from 'Benedict Arnold', the nut cake who had spent the last five   
years killing public officials or destroying symbols of America. He was a real head case, who wanted the   
US to rejoin Great Britain, repeal the Declaration of Independence and acknowledge the Queen as the head   
of state!  
  
This time, his target was the symbol of America itself -- the Miss America Beauty pageant!  
  
Harrison was worried. If anything happened, his ass would be grass. 'Benedict Arnold' always succeeded   
in his aims. It was almost if he possessed the twisted genius of America's best combat generals in the   
American War for Independence, as well is its most dangerous traitor! No steps could be considered too   
extreme. After all, something very important was at stake here -- his career! Oh yes, and the lives of fifty   
or so girls and the audience.  
  
Casper was put in charge of the team, much to Rick's disgust! Everyone recommended they get somebody   
on the inside -- one of the contestants. They didn't know how. But Harrison did. Did he dare use it? Did   
he dare not? He sighed. He had to use it. But which one of the contestants would cooperate, and keep   
their mouths shut? He went through their files. Miss Virginia, she was from an old patriotic family, and   
her father was in politics and was a best friend of the director! Perfect!   
  
Their 'beloved' boss Harrison called the crew together, and they went to a hidden lab. Already there was an   
extremely beautiful, dark haired woman and an older man. She had the beauty that dreams are made of,   
and all the men looked at her appreciatively. What the two women of the team thought -- well -- it was not   
as favorable. Some of the team recognized the man with her as Congressman Randolph. Sherwood   
thought he had never seen a more beautiful woman, and he tired and failed to keep from blushing. Rick felt   
that he had ten elbows and a dozen left feet.  
  
Harrison explained the plan, and the gathered agents of Team Bikini stared at each other in amazement.   
The rumors had been true. Who would have believed it? The Bureau did have a brain switching machine,   
developed by German scientists we had liberated after W.W.II! Harrison droned on in the most matter of   
fact tones, and he certainly wasn't one to joke about anything -- let alone, something like this! Before   
entering the room, all the agents had had to sign a special secrecy agreement.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce Congressman Randolph and his brave daughter, Virginia.   
Who, by coincidence, is Miss Virginia in the Miss America pageant." Randolph grinned a confident smile,   
and the lovely girl smiled shyly, while trembling like a frightened fawn. "She has bravely volunteered her   
body for the secret body swap that our country has -- it was developed by patriotic America scientists. Our   
use of it has been approved, as it must be, by the Director and the President of the United States. Consider   
yourselves briefed -- she will body swap with one of you for the duration of the emergency. Naturally, this   
is Top Secret, Red Folder. If anyone leaks this, they are guilty of treason and will face imprisonment -- or   
worse. If you read your handouts, you'll know it must, for scientific reasons, be between male and female -  
- sexual polarity somehow makes the swap possible."  
  
Sherwood snorted. And without thinking, as usual, blurted out, "What poor schmuck is going to have to be   
a silly girl, and have to wear bathing suits and be so feminine and exhibited like a piece of meat?"  
  
Harrison just smiled wolfishly at him.  
  
Sherwood knew that smile, and turned pale. "OH NO, SIR! Not me, sir."  
  
"Yes, you -- unless you want to resign?" He felt sure Sherwood would -- then he would be rid of him.   
Harrison didn't care that Sherwood was the most decorated member of the bureau. The man just didn't fit   
in.  
  
Sherwood paled. His life was the Bureau! But, to be a girl?! "But, sir, I don't know how to be a girl."  
  
"Miss Randolph and a coach will prepare you for the pageant...well, Sherwood? Okay - just leave your   
letter of resignation on my desk."  
  
Sherwood bit his lip. "I hardly think I am the most qualified, sir. Casper here is halfway to being a girl   
already -- why not him?"  
  
"HEY!" shouted the aggrieved Casper.  
  
"I picked you for good reasons," said Harrison, smiling wickedly.  
  
"Which are?"  
  
"You have the best martial art skills in the division, and will protect Miss Randolph's body the best."   
  
Rick had to admire the shit -- Harrison lied so fucking well! Harrison obviously wanted him to quit. But   
he wasn't a quitter -- no Sherwood ever was. Desperately, Rick turned to the beautiful Miss Virginia.   
"Miss Randolph, surely you don't wish to swap bodies with me?!"  
  
She colored, and her green eyes looked down. Even though he was poorly dressed, Rick Sherwood was a   
real hunk! How would it feel to be so big and strong, and so manly? "Daddy wants me to -- he says it's my   
patriotic duty. Besides, I would never forgive myself if anything happened to those poor girls because I   
was too much a coward to do my duty to my country!" It would be strange being a man, but she never   
would disappoint her daddy, and she wanted him to be proud of her.  
  
Her Virginia accent was charm itself. Rick Sherwood could almost imagine himself in Jefferson's   
presidency in 1802.   
  
"Good-bye, sweetheart," said Casper, laughing at Rick. This set the others to laughing, as well -- especially   
the women present. A man's utter humiliation they found refreshing, as men had always thought nothing of   
humiliating them.  
  
Only by a great effort of will did Sherwood keep from smashing in Casper's smooth and smiling face. Miss   
Randolph came over, sensing his distress, and took his muscular arm. "Now, Mr. Sherwood, don't let him   
tease you! I am very proud and pleased that a hero like y'all -- I've seen your record -- is brave enough to   
be me -- a helpless girl. You are willin' to give up your very body to protect me and those other girls from   
that demon Benedict Arnold. I can't think of anyone braver than a man willing to face the rigors of being a   
female beauty contestant -- and the danger of being a possible target."  
  
Sherwood flushed to the roots of his dark hair.   
  
"Lots of luck in the congeniality part of the contest -- and I can't wait to see you in a bathing suit,   
Sherwood!" laughed Casper, edging protectively behind a grinning Harrison.  
  
"I would love to dance on your grave, you...you-"  
  
"If you did, you would probably trip over your own big feet. Miss Randolph, what is your talent?" asked a   
grinning Casper.  
  
She looked like she would not like to answer. "Ballet," she said in a very soft voice.  
  
The other agents roared. "Macho Sherwood in a tutu! This we all have to see."  
  
Harrison was enjoying seeing Sherwood humiliated, but the Congressman was frowning. You never   
wanted a member of the Appropriations Committee to frown. Don't bite the hand that signs the checks! So   
Harrison broke in, "That's enough, boys! Miss Randolph, would you and my man please go into the lab?"  
  
Casper and other agents started whistling 'Here she comes -- Miss America".  
  
With an effort of will, he ignored them. Sherwood was helped by the sweet smile and gentle, reassuring   
touch on his arm by the beautiful Virginia Randolph.  
  
"I'm scared," she whispered to him, when they saw the machine.  
  
"I don't blame you. I think you're crazy for doing it," Rick answered. He was ready to shit in his pants, but   
would die rather than admit it. He would rather face terrorists armed with nuclear weapons than switch   
bodies with her. "It's not too late for you to change your mind," he said coaxingly, like a little boy.  
  
Her trembling hand grasped his convulsively. "Yes, it is! I would die rather than disappoint my daddy!"  
  
"What does your mother think about this? She surely wouldn't want you to do it?"  
  
"My mother died when I was twelve. I don't trust my stepmother at all!"  
  
"That's tough, to lose a mother. Mine died when I was two."  
  
A very old scientist with a Heidelberg dueling scar approached, and smiled so reassuringly at them they   
both felt like running for the hills. "Ach, two eager volunteers!"   
  
Somehow, the fact that he had a German accent relaxed them. It made it more unreal, like they had stepped   
into a B horror movie on TV.  
  
They signed the necessary forms stating that they were doing this of their own free will. Rick found out   
that she was twenty-two and right out of college. Rick himself was twenty-eight.  
  
The two were seated in adjoining chairs in front of a huge machine covered with blinking lights, and   
humming almost ominously. Each had a band slipped over the tops of their heads, tightened at the rear.   
These head bands had long cables connecting them to the machine. Small circular pads connected to these   
bands by wires were then stuck to their temples. The old scientist grinned as he flipped the switch.   
  
* * *  
  
The agents and Mr. Randolph waited anxiously as Rick and Virginia exited the lab.  
  
"Did it work?" asked Casper.  
  
"Did you go through with it?" asked Harrison.  
  
"Dear, are you all right?" asked Virginia's father, looking from one to the other.  
  
Then they saw Virginia stumble, stagger and fall. She cried out, "God damn these high heels! How can   
women walk in them?"  
  
It had worked, all right!  
  
Rick flushed. He had never been so embarrassed in his life. He was wearing a miniskirt, silk hose, and a   
sexy red silk blouse. Earrings dangled from his ear lobes, and he could taste the lipstick on his lips when   
he moistened them nervously. Bracelets felt weird on his wrists, and soft, beautiful hair fell to and swished   
on his shoulders. Then, when he breathed deeply, he could feel new breasts struggle against the bra, and   
the elastic around his chest dig in. With every step he took, he felt like he was going to fall on his ass.   
  
Rick staggered again, and Virginia caught him with her now strong arms. "Don't worry, you'll get used to   
them in a day or so. Just don't think about them; if you walk casually and let your feet and legs do what   
they've been used to for ages, you'll be fine," she said kindly.  
  
In a very unladylike way, Rick just grunted.  
  
Virginia felt so strong, so liberated. She was now a powerful man -- 6'3", two hundred pounds of solid   
muscle -- and now looked down at the world instead of being a timid 5'4" one hundred, five pound girl   
looking up. What a rush of power, but she felt sorry for Rick -- the poor man was so uncomfortable in her   
body and clothes.   
  
"How about a date, Rick?" asked Casper, coming closer and grinning widely.  
  
"Eat shit!" he said in Virginia's voice, and punched him in the stomach.  
  
"That's enough of that, both of you!" growled Harrison sternly, trying not to laugh at macho Sherwood in a   
sexy female body.  
  
Mr. Randolph came over and looked in wonder at his daughter's body, and Rick shifted uncomfortably   
under his gaze.   
  
Rick's former body laughed, and Virginia said, "It's really me over here, daddy!" She now had Rick's   
Midwest accent.  
  
Randolph looked up at the tall, strong man who needed a shave, and shook his head. "I knew it   
intellectually, but I still can't believe it!"  
  
Harrison spoke. "We have a special wing set up in your house for Rick's training, sir. Perhaps if they   
could get going, we have a lot of ground to cover and lots of work to do if Rick is to do your daughter   
justice."  
  
"I'll say!" said Casper, rubbing his tender stomach. Smaller female body or not, Rick still knew how to hit.  
  
Rick glared at him out of Virginia's beautiful green eyes.  
  
In the limo, Randolph said, "Now, you have arranged for Virginia -- Rick in Virginia, to get into the final   
five?"  
  
"Yes, sir. The pageant people were not too thrilled at our interference, but when we threatened to close the   
pageant, they became more cooperative."  
  
"What did you tell them?"  
  
"Some of the truth, that there was a threat against the pageant and that your daughter, with her degree in   
criminology and being well trained in Karate and in weapons, would need to keep an eye on things from   
the inside."  
  
"Yes, my daughter pestered me into letting her take criminology at the University of Virginia. Damn   
foolishness, if you ask me!"  
  
Virginia got a little angry, and Rick's face flushed. "Daddy! Let's not start the same old argument --   
especially in front of strangers!"  
  
"I still can't get over the fact that it's really my daughter in that body! Do you still think it's okay for me to   
be away on the Hill for the next week?"  
  
"Yes, it will be better for all concerned."  
  
Rick looked at his new, soft smooth hands, and at the world class legs -- he moved them, and they moved   
to his will. "Fucking unbelievable!"  
  
Virginia laughed and laughed, and giggled to hear her body use such language. Harrison glared at Rick,   
and Randolph said, coldly, "Sir, my daughter is a lady. You are representing her to the whole world. She   
does not use such language, and neither will you!"  
  
"Sorry, sir." Rick really was. He had come to like Virginia already, and didn't want to disgrace her. "I'll   
do my damnedest -- darnedest, to keep your daughter from looking bad."  
  
Randolph nodded. "See that you do!"  
  
* * *  
  
A whole floor of the Randolph mansion outside Richmond had been set aside for the training area.   
Virginia took Rick up the wide, circling antebellum staircase. Rick cursed as he stumbled going up the   
stairs. "God damn, son-of-a bitch!" (Virginia was wide-eyed with amazement and admiration at seeing her   
body so uninhibited.) "Why did you wear these damn three-inch spikes, anyway -- let alone this skimpy   
skirt and tight blouse?"  
  
Virginia flushed guiltily. "Sorry, I just wanted to make my body look good for you for the exchange."  
  
"Women!" blurted Rick.  
  
For a moment, Virginia started to get angry, and then she laughed. "You'd better be a more reserved in   
your judgment about women now -- as now you are one."  
  
Rick put a lovely hand to a lovely forehead, and groaned with spiritual grief.  
  
She had to keep herself from laughing. It was so funny to see him so upset. As for herself, she felt   
wonderful -- so strong -- it felt weird being so tall and strong, but these were positives for her. And this   
was such a sexy body she was in now, too. Rick's body was hot. She wished she had met him socially and   
they were dating, instead of swapping bodies with him.  
  
"Do you have a girlfriend?" she asked, hoping for a no. She got it. "Why not? You're very good looking   
and intelligent, and seem very nice." The pretty face Rick was using flushed. "Come on, I really do need   
to know, if I'm going to be you for the next few weeks."  
  
"Okay! Wait till we get somewhere private."  
  
"My room is the first one on the right. You will be using it."  
  
They went into Virginia's room, with Rick holding tightly onto what had been his own arm. He looked   
around at the ultrafeminine decor, the vanity covered with makeup, inhaled the perfume, and saw the   
canopy bed. He shuddered. "Miss Randolph, the truth is that I don't feel comfortable around girls. I never   
have. My dad, with no female involvement, raised me. I've always been so clumsy around women. The   
girls laughed at me in grade school, and I guess I never got over it. I just don't feel worthy of being loved!"  
  
God, Rick couldn't believe that he just said that!  
  
Virginia's new eyes misted over, and she gently touched what had been her own hand. "I'm sorry.   
Youngsters -- especially girls, can be so cruel sometimes. They used to tease me all the time. I'll tell you   
what -- when we switch back, I would love to go out with you! That is, if you would want to."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really."  
  
Rick smiled, and Virginia caught her breath. 'My God, I have a dazzling smile. Everyone said so, but I   
didn't believe them.' Embarrassed, they got back to the business at had.  
  
"First, I'd better teach you how to walk. Just be at ease, and let your body act naturally."  
  
They spent the next hour with Rick walking in different shoes, until he could do it without falling down too   
much. "Rick, relax! You're trying too hard. It just takes practice and smaller steps." She shook her head   
slightly. "Tomorrow we will work a little bit more -- this time on being graceful, but you're doing fine,   
considering this is your first day as woman!"  
  
Rick smiled. "What do you do about hurting feet?"  
  
"Just ignore it -- it's part of the price women play for looking good. Now, on to table manners -- you need   
to eat like I do."   
  
Later, she shuddered seeing him attack a steak. "No, no! You're a Virginia Lady, not a lion in the zoo."  
  
Rick watched, fascinated, as his former body ate so daintily and with such refinement. "For God's sake,   
don't eat like that in public. You make me look like a-" He flushed.  
  
She laughed, "I understand. I will be the lion, and you be the lamb at the table."  
  
"Thank you!" He sighed with relief. Then a thought occurred to him. "I'm not the only one who needs to   
be trained here!"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean, you don't want to be disgraced -- well, I don't either. You've got to learn to be a macho man."  
  
Rick winced as his former body giggled hysterically.  
  
All of a sudden, a familiar feeling took hold. He almost made Virginia's face unattractive with his   
emotions.  
  
"What's wrong?" she asked.  
  
"I have to take a piss," he answered, whispering.  
  
Virginia bit back a laugh. "I'll help."  
  
In the bathroom, she said, "Okay, the first thing you girls need to do is lower your pantyhose, then your   
panties."  
  
Rick blushed. "My God, have I being wearing their frilly things?"  
  
"Get use to it. Now, sit down. That's a good boy. GIRL!"  
  
"Shit! That toilet seat is cold. Now what?"  
  
"Relax."  
  
"How in the fuck am I supposed to do that? I'm in an incredibly beautiful girl's body, I'm going to fall flat   
on my face in front of twenty million people, and-"  
  
"Do you really think I'm that beautiful?" she asked wistfully. "I think my hips are too big."  
  
He almost said women again, but bit it back.  
  
Virginia pursed Rick's lips. "I have it -- think water falls -- roaring waters, streams gushing forth."  
  
"It worked!"  
  
"Good. Now, wipe carefully. Good -- that's the girl." She blushed. "Now, you better, err...show me!"  
  
Rick blushed. "Well, you..."  
  
A few minutes later, there was a soft knock at the bedroom door.   
  
"Who is it?" asked Rick, prompted by Virginia.  
  
"It's your mother, dear."  
  
'Stepmother' mouthed Virginia. "I don't like her. Ask her want she wants. Call her Beth."  
  
"Yes, Beth? What do y'all want?" Rick answered nervously.   
  
"Just to say goodnight, Virginia, dear."  
  
He felt constrained to go to the door. He ignored a violent shake of Virginia's head. She ran back into the   
bathroom. Rick opened it and saw a lovely woman in her late thirties. She smiled at him. "I wish you   
would call me mother, but thanks for openin' the door and talkin' to me face to face."  
  
Rick said nothing. My God, what a pickle he was in! He tried a smile. It seemed to work.  
  
The woman hugged him. It felt kinda good. "Goodnight, Virginia, dear. I wish you the best in the contest,   
even though you know I opposed your father making you enter."  
  
"Thank y'all, and goodnight...Beth," Rick said, finding the name at the last moment.  
  
She smiled a little sadly, and left.  
  
"Why don't you like her?" Rick asked Virginia later.  
  
She just looked stubborn, and with Rick's old face, she could really look stubborn, and even tough. "Never   
you mind; it's none of your business."  
  
He nodded a lovely head. "That's fair."  
  
"Now, tell me everything you know about this Benedict Arnold person."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because, it may be life and death -- I am not some bimbo -- I graduated from a great university with   
honors in criminology, and am really excited to be part of a major operation like this. I am a real FBI   
person now in your body -- even if it's only temporary!"  
  
Rick smiled at her enthusiasm, apologized, and filled her in on the little the bureau knew. Then a thought   
struck him. "Hey, y'all talk like me, and I have your Virginia accent!"  
  
She laughed. "You just noticed that? I picked it up right away. I think it's a hoot!"  
  
Rick shook his head, and it was still weird to feel long, lustrous hair sweep around his face.  
  
"Now, you need to take off your makeup."  
  
Rick cursed, and Virginia smiled as she instructed him. "Being a girl is a lot harder than I thought!" Rick   
said through the cold cream.  
  
Then she took him to a small gym in the basement and made him do exercises and stretches. Rick was   
stunned how agile and supple he now was. He noticed Virginia plying on he weights on her exercise   
equipment with a broad smile. She couldn't believe how strong she was. Rick sighed; he missed his   
muscles. Even Casper could probably beat him up now. No -- maybe not.  
  
Shower time came, and they looked at each other, both their faces fire engine red. Blushing, she gave him   
instructions on how to clean her body. Rick did the same.  
  
Rick asked something that he was very worried about. "Err, Virginia, when is your period due?"  
  
She laughed. "Don't worry, it's due after the contest."  
  
"Whew!"  
  
As Rick showered, he noticed how soft and silky smooth his new body was. He was too embarrassed; too   
much exploring of the inner workings of Virginia's body, but he did enjoy washing her breasts. He slipped   
into the nightgown Virginia laid out for him. She was staying in the next room, and had his entire luggage.  
  
When they met for a private breakfast the next morning, he grinned to see nicks in his former face from her   
attempts to shave. "You have a chance for revenge, as my under arms will need it in two days," said   
Virginia with a smile.  
  
"What about your legs?" God, it was hard being a mere female!  
  
"You don't have to shave them." (He sighed with relief.) "You get a bikini wax tomorrow, and then again   
just before the contest."  
  
"What's a bikini wax?"  
  
She saw he was serious, and smiled a mischievous smile. "You'll find out -- I think you will find it   
delightful."  
  
Rick didn't like the way she said that. The phone rang -- her dance instructor was here to give 'her' a lesson.  
  
"God, I'm so nervous! I'd rather face a bank robber any day!"  
  
Virginia turned an innocent looking face to Rick. "I'll go with you."  
  
"Thank y'all!" he said gratefully.  
  
Later, a protesting Rick was stuffed into leotards and ballet slippers. Miss Jones, the ballet teacher, was   
astounded at her prize pupil. Virginia was awful! Out of the corner of her eyes she checked out the guy   
Virginia was with appreciatively. He was a real hunk!  
  
"Up on those toes, Miss Randolph!" she commanded.  
  
He tried to stand on his toes, and fell right on his face and cursed a blue streak. 'What had happened to the   
refined Virginia Lady?' Miss Jones wondered. "You're dancing like a truck driver with two left feet!" she   
said, and drilled him mercilessly.  
  
"Fuck you!" said a Rick whose toes felt like they had been mashed by the Chicago Bears trampling all over   
them and then back again.  
  
Miss Jones was astounded; she had never heard the refined lady Miss Randolph even use darn before.  
  
Realizing what he had just said, Rick smiled weakly, and apologized. "I've been watching too many   
movies lately, and I was trying to be cool."  
  
"Anyone can be 'cool' -- not everyone can be a lady, Miss Randolph."  
  
"Sorry! You're right." Rick had never really thought about it before, but we are known by the language we   
use as much as anything else.  
  
When the lessons were finally over, Rick never was more relieved in all of his twenty-eight years. Miss   
Jones poured herself three stiff drinks. If the next few days were anything like this one, she would go   
insane!   
  
After she left, Virginia could container herself no longer. She roared with laughter. "That was the funniest   
thing I've ever seen!!" she gasped.  
  
Rick gave Virginia the finger. The girl was holding to her male sides, gasping for breath. Then she   
informed him that next on the list was a makeup training session, with a professional stage makeup crew.   
"Can I come?" she asked innocently.  
  
"No!" answered Rick. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!"  
  
Virginia just laughed. "While you're enjoying yourself, I will do some shopping. Your wardrobe is early   
cave man."  
  
"Hey, what's wrong with my clothes?"  
  
"What's right with them?" Virginia asked. She felt so comfortable with Rick.   
  
  
INTERLUDE.  
  
It was amazing what money could buy. The most powerful explosive in the world was shaping up   
perfectly. Soon, no one could tell it from the real thing. Miss America would love it so much, she would   
just die, and all those around her!  
  
  
* * *   
  
A woman with a perfectly made up face and a perfectly made up smile was waiting in the 'pink saloon' as   
Rick stumbled in. She raised a perfectly sculptured eyebrow. "An honor to meet you, Miss Randolph. I   
am Mme. Louise Mystica. Yes, it is a stage name. Now, my dear, I know you have done well so far doing   
and creating your own makeup, but this is the Miss America Pageant! Your father has hired me to take you   
to the next level, from lovely girl to -- GODDESS!"   
  
She looked at Virginia's face, which Rick was now trapped behind. She sighed with satisfaction. "You   
don't know what a pleasure it is to work with a woman as beautiful as yourself! Many of my clients expect   
miracles that make the feeding of the Israelites in the desert a trifling bagatelle. Well -- shall we go? My   
limo is waiting."  
  
During the drive to Mme. Mystica's torture chamber, she chattered away about lotions and foundations until   
Rick barely kept from screaming. They soon walked into her place of business. Nervous flunkies jumped   
when they entered. Rick could tell they were terrified of the petite woman. He muttered under his breath,   
"Remember, you took an oath to defend the United Sates against all enemies, domestic and foreign."  
  
"What did you say, Miss Randolph?"  
  
Rick smiled brilliantly. "Nothing. I guess I'm just a little nervous. You are so famous."  
  
Mme. Mystica seemed ready to burst with pride. "Why, thank you!"  
  
Rick was ushered into a room gleaming with mirrors and lights. There were enough potions and jars and   
instruments of torture to outfit a dozen Hollywood horror films.   
  
Rick applied himself; he had to learn this stuff. He didn't want to look any more ridiculous than he had to.   
Besides, he owed it to Virginia. She was giving up a lot to let him borrow her identity! Mme. Mystica and   
her assistant discussed the relative matters of different foundations, and what shade of eye shadow to use.   
It made Rick feel like a piece of meat or a mannequin. His face was made up -- unmade up. He cried out   
when eyebrow hairs were ruthlessly plucked. Then he looked in the mirror, stunned. Virginia had been   
gorgeous before -- but now -- "WOW!" he said.  
  
Mme. Mystica delicately padded the sweat from her own brow with a special cloth. "Thank you, dear.   
You will be our finest hour. Now, here's a list of each step, and what to use at each stage. You need to   
come back every day at two, and we will help you until you can do it yourself."  
  
Rick made himself smile. When he left, he felt like he had escaped from some totalitarian prison camp.  
  
When he returned to the house, the maid and the butler told him, "Why, Miss Randolph, you've never   
looked prettier."  
  
Despite himself, Rick was pleased. It was a weird feeling being so beautiful!  
  
His acquired stepmother smiled at him, and asked if she could talk to him.   
  
Helplessly, he agreed. "Where is Mr. Sherwood?" Rick got out. "I thought he would be back by now."   
God, it felt so strange to call Virginia that!  
  
"I don't know, Virginia." She closed the door, and took Rick's hands. He flushed, feeling so embarrassed.   
"I know you've never liked me, Virginia, dear. I am sorry you couldn't accept me these last eight years. I   
so wanted to be a good mother! But you're a grown woman now, and can perhaps understand me better.   
Y'all know how much we women need a man's attentions. I love your daddy, and he loves me. It doesn't   
mean he loves you less. I want to be here for you -- the next few years will determine the course of your   
life. I am not talking about the silly contest. I will be here for you -- win or lose, but also later, when life   
truly starts.   
  
"Right now, you are very vulnerable, dear. You think you are mature, but you're not. You think your   
judgment on men is sound, but it's not. There is no more important a thing women and men do in this life   
than to choose a husband or wife. So many choose badly." (Unbidden to Rick came the famous scene in   
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where the villain chooses the wrong cup and withers into dust.) "That   
is the cause of so much unhappiness in this world. It's not enough for a man to be handsome or charming   
or sexy; more important -- will he treat you well? Will he respect your opinion? Will he treat your   
children well? Can y'all depend on him in an emergency? Is he trustworthy? Too many girls say, 'God,   
he's hot!' and rush into marriage - or, 'I am so afraid I won't be getting married I will take the first guy who   
asks me!' Believe me, it's far better to die an old maid than to be married badly. My poor mother lived a   
life of pure hell as my father treated her so vilely. That is why I waited until I was twenty-five to get   
married. I waited for a wonderful man who would treat me well and with respect. Your father would never   
dream of hitting a woman, or chase tramps."  
  
Rick was so embarrassed. The real Virginia should be hearing these words, not him. He looked at the   
woman across from him. She was smiling sadly, and tears were in her eyes. She's expecting to be   
snubbed, Rick thought, but was trying to reach out anyway. Impulsively, he hugged Beth. Then they were   
both crying! The older woman felt so like a mother to him, and Rick couldn't remember ever having one.   
  
Later, she laughed, and said, "There. I've gone and ruined your beautiful makeup!"  
  
Rick smiled. "Don't worry. I've had plenty of practice on how to fix it."  
  
They spent a great day together. Rick felt so comfortable with the motherly woman. He never really felt   
that way before.   
  
* * *  
  
Virginia sighed, and patted the breast pocket of the Armani suit she had bought. She found for the tenth   
time the letter from her daddy, nested in the pocket. It was now or never. She was dressed in the best suit   
she could find in Richmond to fit Rick's hard, muscular body. His wardrobe had been early cave man as far   
as she could tell. Why such a handsome, virile man dressed like such a tasteless slob amazed her. But as   
her real mother had told her, 'Men do the most stupid things, and think they're brilliant doing them.' Now,   
she was going to do something she'd dreamed of doing ever since she was a little girl. She was going in the   
Patrick Henry Club of Richmond! It was for men only. No female had ever set sat foot inside this   
hallowed masculine bastion! But she was going to do it! She -- Virginia Randolph! Of course, it was as   
Rick Sherwood, but it still counted! Virginia gave the letter of introduction to the man at the front desk; of   
course, her daddy had meant it for the real Rick Sherwood! She giggled to herself. What men didn't know   
wouldn't hurt them!   
  
"Yes, sir, Mr. Sherwood, we are honored to have any friend and guest of Mr. Randolph come calling."  
  
Her -- or rather, Rick's heart was beating a mile a minute, but with the training she received disguising her   
feelings all her life as a Virginia Lady, she was able to smile and answer calmly. She visited every room in   
the old structure. What a victory! Virginia worked out in the weight room. She noticed with pride that she   
was larger and stronger than any man there. Nothing like a big, muscular male body to give a person   
confidence! She swam in the pool, marveling at the power and strength of her borrowed body. She shot   
though the water like a torpedo. What an experience that was.   
  
At lunch, she ate at the club and had drinks at the bar. She enjoyed a little hero worship when they found   
that Rick's dad had bee a Medal of Honor winner, and that 'he' worked for the FBI. It was one of the   
greatest days of her life. That night, Virginia accepted an invitation to dine with some of the members at   
the club. They were amazed at how well 'Mr. Sherwood' fit in. He seemed to have all the instincts of a   
Virginia gentleman!  
  
* * *  
  
At Virginia's home, the real Rick was enjoying a quiet dinner and tete a tete with 'her' stepmother. He   
absorbed all the pent up motherly love the woman was glad to pour out.   
  
Briefly, Mrs. Randolph wondered what had caused Virginia to change her attitude so. She even asked her   
to come to the pageant with her. But don't look a gift horse in the mouth was still wisdom.  
  
That morning, Rick found out the hard way what a bikini wax was. For the first time since he'd broken his   
arm at seven, he screamed.   
  
Virginia fought unsuccessfully to hide a grin. "Well, how was it?" she asked, when Rick waddled out of   
the booth.  
  
Rick looked at her menacingly with dagger eyes. Virginia was laughing. He felt like killing her! "Women   
do this on a regular basis?"  
  
She nodded her head. "Many do."  
  
"I will never call women sissies again!" Rick said feelingly. "That takes guts!"  
  
Diffidently then, a very nervous Virginia broached her idea to Rick about 'Benedict Arnold'. She finished   
with, "I've looked over all the information you gave me, and what I've found on the Internet. What do you   
think of my idea?" she asked. Breathlessly, she waited for him to tell her -- 'don't be a little fool'.  
  
Rick thought for a moment. "I believe you may have hit on something. I am sure no one has looked at it   
yet. It's one of those great ideas that when you hear them strike you with, 'My God, that's got to be it! Why   
didn't anybody think about it before?' Don't go to Harrison -- the man's a pompous fool. Instead, ask your   
daddy to help get me an interview with Deputy Director Steve Carlson. Don't mention it for when -- let   
him assume it's for after the pageant."  
  
"You mean I can go see him as you?" She couldn't believe it. Rick was so a gentlemen. "You don't want   
to take credit for it later?"  
  
Rick shrugged creamy shoulders. "Of course not!"  
  
So, the next day 'Rick Sherwood' stood in Deputy Director Carlson's office. "Sir, have we ever thought of   
looking for a descendant of Benedict Arnold -- I know how important obsessive family pride is. I think   
there's a good chance he is related to Arnold's family and burning to justify the famous traitor's actions."  
  
"That's an approach that is definitely worth looking into. You know, Sherwood, you have a reputation at   
the bureau of being a man of action, rather than thought."  
  
Virginia was hardly surprised. "Yes, sir. I got the idea being with the Randolph's, and talking it over with   
Miss Randolph. Besides, I'm very proud of my late father and his accomplishments."  
  
"Wasn't he only a Green Beret sergeant?"  
  
"Nobody who's been a Green Beret is ever 'only', sir. Besides that, my dad was awarded the Medal of   
Honor. And I'm obsessively proud of him, sir. As proud as Miss Randolph is of her illustrious ancestors,   
and her father."  
  
Carlson smiled, and leaned back in his old leather chair. "I know why you didn't go to Harrison -- he   
doesn't like you, does he?"  
  
"No, sir."  
  
"Watch your back, Sherwood. Harrison doesn't look like much, but he has a sharp knife."  
  
"For sticking in backs, sir?"  
  
Carlson laughed. "You said it, I didn't."  
  
* * *  
  
That week at the Randolph mansion, trainers were tearing their hair out. Why had Miss Randolph suddenly   
and inexplicably unlearned everything? Even her language was occasionally sprinkled with -- gasp -- four   
letter words. Usually she was fine, but it was like she was -- as silly as it sounds -- trying to act like   
herself! The pressure had really gotten to her! Why, she even had to be trained in walking! What had   
gotten into the girl?   
  
"Call for an ambulance!" the housekeeper said.  
  
Soon they heard the siren. Good! The ambulance had arrived. Gently the paramedics came in, and even   
more gently carried out the poor babbling, hysterical ballet teacher. The poor woman would have to be   
hospitalized for nervous over strain!  
  
Guiding, Rick repeated to himself with a smile frozen on Virginia's beautiful face. Guiding. He moved   
slowly in the three-inch heels. Everyone made approving sounds. He bit his tongue to keep from saying   
'bite me!' 'I'm never going to get away with it!' His heart was beating a mile a minute. The serious play   
acting would soon begin.  
  
* * *  
  
They were on their way to the airport for the trip to California and the pageant. One of those contesting   
girls would trip him up, he just knew it! Thank God his stepmother was coming. Rick smiled at her, and   
got a warm smile in return.   
  
Virginia was torn. In a way, it was good that her stepmother was coming. Rick liked her -- somehow --   
and her daddy was pleased that his wife was happier. But Virginia still didn't like her.  
  
In the airport, Sherwood got his ass pinched. Rick whirled around and, utilizing both his own ingrained   
lessons in hand to hand combat and the skills the body he now occupied owned, punched the man in one of   
the charka points he'd learned as a four degree black belt. As the jerk gasped in agony, Rick chopped at the   
Adam's apple, and the guy was out for the count. Everyone stared, astounded at this fragile flower of   
Virginia laying out a two hundred, thirty pound man in less than two seconds. It turned out the pincher was   
a linebacker for the Washington Redskins. The real Virginia was snickering behind her hand. This was   
great! She only wished she had done it herself, and not by proxy.   
  
Rick flushed. He had to say something. "Men who are not gentlemen have to be taught proper manners. I   
do not care for, nor tolerate lewd, ungentlemanly like behavior," Rick said in Virginia's most charming,   
well-bred voice.  
  
The women applauded, and the men looked thoughtful. It went out over CNN, and Rick got a call from   
Henderson on the secure cell phone. It wasn't a friendly chat, but then, it never was with that pompous   
jerk.  
  
"SHERWOOD!"  
  
"Yes, sir?" Rick answered in Virginia's most cultured accents.  
  
For a moment, this threw Henderson.  
  
"You were supposed to keep a low profile -- not do your Bruce Lee imitation!"  
  
"Why, sir -- you wouldn't expect me to not protect the honor and reputation of Miss Randolph, would you?   
What would her father say?"  
  
This caused Henderson to be careful. Randolph could ruin his promising career. "You could have still   
done it in such a way as to not get your picture in the paper and to make CNN!"  
  
Virginia took over the phone. "Mr. Henderson, I am proud of the way Mr. Sherwood acted. He was a true   
gentleman, and I only wish I could be so effective in my own body against molestation and harassment.   
My daddy is very pleased."  
  
He paused. "Well, Miss Randolph, if you and your father are pleased, then so am I. I was only concerned   
about your reputation and the cover of Rick as yourself. Thank you, again, for your cooperation in this   
difficult situation. Is Sherwood behaving satisfactorily in other areas?" he asked, hoping for a complaint.  
  
"Yes, sir -- my father and I are very pleased with his efforts."  
  
"That's very good," he said, disappointment very evident in his voice.  
  
When they hung up, Virginia turned to Rick and asked, "What in the world made him so down on you?"  
  
"He's a spineless bureaucrat, and I'm a man of action. Also, I've made him look bad, and so he has tried to   
blame his mistakes on me."  
  
"He's an ass hole, then?"  
  
Rick was shocked. "Well yes, but your language-"  
  
"Listen, if you get to play me -- a refined Virginia Lady -- well, then, it's only fair I get to play you. You   
don't how much fun I'm having NOT being a cultured, first lady of Virginia! It's fabulous to cut loose.   
Thank you for the holiday -- and for risking yourself for me and all the other contestants."  
  
Rick flushed prettily -- as pretty as a picture!  
  
It was nice to sit in first class. Rick noticed that the stewardess looked on him with disfavor because, as   
Virginia, he was a lot more beautiful than her. He hid a smile as the girl flirted with a clearly   
uncomfortable Virginia. He had to admit that Virginia had got his body looking a lot better than when he   
was in it. Excellent hair cut, and shaved. He asked her stepmother about her childhood, and the woman   
was glad that her 'stepdaughter' and her were finally establishing a mother-daughter bond!   
  
Virginia's entourage was still puzzled over two things. First and most important, how different Virginia   
seemed the last few days; she seemed so confident in some areas, and less so in others. Her dancing skills   
were gone with the wind, and they were worried that she wouldn't make it out of the preliminaries. The   
second was the presence of Rick Sherwood as a bodyguard. Why did Virginia need one? Also, Mr.   
Sherwood's actions were puzzling -- sometimes he was a macho guy -- he certainly was as strong as a   
horse, and other times he almost acted effeminate. But that must be their imagination.   
  
Rick looked enviously as Virginia drank beer and had a steak, while all he was allowed was a bottle spring   
water and a small, dressingless salad. The jealous stewardess had a malicious smile as she saw Rick's   
borrowed face fall when he looked at it and groaned. Rick felt he hadn't had a decent meal in twenty years.   
Virginia couldn't resist. She grinned at Rick. "Yum!! YUM!" she said, smacking Rick's laps.  
  
"That's mean, sir!" said Rick, torn between laughter and tears.  
  
"Yes, indeed! You are no gentleman!" echoed Mrs. Randolph. Laughing. It was so nice to see Virginia   
have a fiend who kidded her.  
  
Virginia was immediately contrite. "Sorry, ladies! I just couldn't resist. I won't do it again."   
  
It felt so weird to Rick to have his now small hand patted by his former large one. Being Virginia was   
hard, but if they caught Benedict Arnold and saved the endangered, innocent girls, it would be worth it!   
Besides, there was a part of Rick that liked being so beautiful and from such a great old family. He also   
liked her stepmother. Virginia frowned when Rick told her that when they were alone. "Well, don't go too   
far, I don't want her mothering me when I get back."  
  
Then the big moment arrived. Rick walked off the plane, to be greeted by the photographers. The high   
heels made his movements insecure, and he was glad of the support of what had been his own strong arm.   
  
The reporters were out in force. The boring pageant had suddenly become a little more newsy. First of all,   
they had a tip that the FBI might be involved in security; also, when a Miss Virginia, and a Randolph at   
that, had to flatten a now ex-linebacker, that was a great story.  
  
"Beat up any more men today, Miss Randolph?"  
  
Rick smiled Virginia's beguiling smile at the question. "No, Ah guess molesters have learned their lesson."   
She smiled at the reporter. "Unless you would like one, sir?"  
  
"That's okay," he answered hastily, and his fellows laughed.  
  
"How did you become so good in martial arts, Miss Randolph?" asked a woman reporter.  
  
"I feel that a woman should be able to protect herself in a world that seems to be losing respect, not only for   
ladies, but for anyone but themselves. Good manners allow us to rub tolerably together and make life more   
pleasant for everyone." The last part Rick remembered from what Virginia had said to him. He thought it   
very true and very wise. Rick had noticed the general lack of manners in the world, but never thought   
much about it. His dad sure didn't think good manners important, but Rick sure had to use them, being   
Virginia Randolph! He liked and respected Virginia, and didn't want to bring disgrace to her. But he was   
terribly afraid he was inevitably going to do so! What, after all, did she know about being a great lady -- or   
even a woman in general? Real girls have a lifetime of practice -- those other girls might even catch him   
out! What a no win situation that ass hole Henderson had put him in! Well, she couldn't go far wrong in   
following her -- Virginia's stepmother's -- lead.  
  
At the hotel, the other Miss America contestants were gathering -- and so was the FBI team led by Casper.   
The jerk was acting so self important and so fucking official, he might as well have a sign planted on him   
in big letters reading: FBI, thought Rick, sourly. But Casper was the kind of suck-up Henderson loved.   
Birds of a feather shit together!  
  
Rick chided himself. These were no thoughts to be having right now. He would do anything not to   
embarrass Virginia. He still couldn't believe that she would turn her body and life over to him, trust a   
clumsy guy like him with her spotless reputation. 'Think Virginia!' Rick commanded himself. She smiled   
at the thought, and photographers clicked camera's; Rick didn't realize how attractive she made Virginia   
look with such an impish grin. She had suddenly thought of the great moment in Caddy Shack, when the   
wonderful Bill Murray had said, "Be the ball!" 'Be Virginia,' Rick ordered himself. 'Think Virginia!' She   
sighed, and her great breasts rose and fell to much admiration. But that was easier said than done. A lot   
easier! But Rick, no...Virginia would do her best!  
  
"Virginia, I'd like you to meet your roommate, Helen Smith, Miss Oregon," said the pageant coordinator,   
Mrs. Oliver.  
  
"Hi," said Helen, shyly.  
  
Rick looked at her, and wished she had her old body back. 'Wow!' she thought, 'Helen is a tall, blue eyed   
blonde with more curves than a mountain road.'  
  
They chattered, and Rick found herself able to put Helen at ease. Later, she took an opportunity to   
introduce Helen to her bodyguard, 'Rick Sherwood'. Later, in their shared room, Helen gushed, "Wow!   
What a hunk! He can guard my body any time!" Then she flushed. "Sorry! I'm not usually so bold, but I   
never met a man who turned me on so much. He's not only great looking and well dressed, but has such a   
combination of strength and gentleness. He looks like a guy who would protect rather than hurt a girl!   
And his manners are so refreshing! Am I out of line here?" she asked, embarrassed. "Is he yours?"  
  
The apparent Virginia laughed. "No, we are more like brother and sister than lovers!" Rick thought   
rapidly. This world-class beauty likes me -- really likes me -- well, Virginia, in my body. Here's a real   
chance for me to have a sweet, beautiful girlfriend. "Would you like me to set y'all up?"  
  
Helen flushed beet red, and stammered, "Well -- if you wouldn't mind. I know it won't be easy during the   
week we are here with all the pageant stuff going on." She embraced Rick. "You're a real friend! You're   
not competitive and catty like most of the contestants. You are a real Virginia Lady! Anyone can see   
that!"  
  
Rick didn't know whether to laugh or be pleased. She who used to be the FBI's most macho man was now   
a real Virginia Lady! 'I have to talk to Virginia!' she thought.  
  
Later, Virginia couldn't believe her ears. "You want me to date another woman? Can't you wait a week   
until we switch our bodies back, and then you do it?"  
  
Rick flushed in Virginia's beautiful skin. "PLEASE! I know it's a lot to ask, but she's really very nice and   
beautiful. I know I would mess it up as usual if I did it. But if you can break the ice, so to speak, and get   
us going, I won't be so nervous later. PLEASE! She really likes me...you...oh!"   
  
Virginia boomed out a Rick laugh. "Life is sure crazy! Well, you've done me some favors -- putting up   
with my stepmother, for example, as well as letting me use your strong body -- so sure, why the hell not!?   
It will be an interesting experience. But, no sex, mind you!"  
  
Rick flushed. "Of course not! I'll ask her to marry me before I have sex with her. I want to be the first."  
  
Virginia smiled to herself and thought, 'A typical man.' She remembered Miss Oregon well. 'She really   
gave me the eye. A woman that likes men that much is not likely to be a virgin -- especially one looking   
like a wet dream. Even I have had sex a couple of times, and it wasn't easy for me, as my daddy wouldn't   
approve and I was watched very closely. Sex isn't ladylike! Nothing fun is!'  
  
So Rick introduced her roomie to 'Rick Sherwood', and was pleased to see how well they got along.   
Virginia sure knew how to talk to women, a hell of a lot better than she did. Helen discreetly elbowed her.   
Rick grinned to herself. 'She must really like 'me'! Obviously, she wants to be alone with 'Rick'.'   
  
"Y'all will excuse me. I promised my mother to drop by. She was kind enough to come here and give me   
moral support."  
  
"See you later, Virginia," said Helen, not taking her eyes off Rick to see how he would react to her going.   
She was relieved. He didn't have a thing for Virginia! Great! She was jealous of her roommate. She was   
super nice, but just too beautiful for words.  
  
Virginia was surprised how much he enjoyed himself with Helen. God, did the girl have a major crush on   
him. It was strange to feel male desire! It was overpowering. They discreetly left the hotel, and went   
dancing. Did it ever feel great to have a beautiful girl in his arms.  
  
Helen was thinking, 'He's not only sexy, but sweet a real gentlemen. I can tell he likes me. It's great that   
men can't hide their desire from us girls!'  
  
Meanwhile, the real Rick was enjoying talking to Virginia's mother. It was so wonderful -- the woman was   
so eager to love her. Rick couldn't understand why Virginia would keep such love at arm's length!  
  
Later, Casper came by and hauled Rick off for a meeting. Virginia was paged, and joined them as well.   
During the meeting, and listening to the plans, Virginia started laughing. He ignored Casper's glare. "It's   
obvious you gentlemen have never been to a beauty pageant, and have done precious little research on   
one."  
  
They all looked at Casper, enjoying his humiliation.  
  
"The most likely moment for Benedict Arnold to strike would be when the crown and scepter are given to   
the new Miss America. More people will be watching than ever, and many of the contestants will be close,   
as well as the master of ceremonies. Then, also, the ideas of access are all wrong. Here are the weak   
points in your surveillance and checkpoints."  
  
Virginia spent some time going over them.   
  
The team went over the modified surveillance techniques, and gave Rick a concealed earpiece that was to   
be worn whenever she was involved in any pageant activity.   
  
Rick slipped out. "I need my beauty sleep," she said, when questioned.  
  
She smiled to see everyone laugh.  
  
* * *  
  
When Rick got to the room that night, she found Helen practically walking on air. "Thanks for bringing me   
and Rick together, Virginia. He's a great guy! And a dreamy dancer. And can he ever kiss!"  
  
Rick's sculptured eyebrows shot up at this, but then she relaxed. Intuitively, she knew Helen would have   
been insulted if 'Rick' hadn't kissed her goodnight. Virginia knew that!  
  
The next day, Rick felt really weird parading around in front of the cameras and a huge audience, in first a   
formal gown, then exposing her flesh in a scanty bathing suit, all the time in too high to be true heels.   
Thankfully, though they still made her uncomfortable, she was finally able to glide with grace in them.   
And all the catcalls made her feel very shy. Another weird thing was that Rick had expected to be in 'hog   
heaven', being around so many drop dead gorgeous girls, but it hadn't happened. Even undressed, they left   
her cold. It must be Virginia's body, damn it! Even this treat was denied Rick. Though she had to admit   
that she enjoyed being so beautiful and so well liked.   
  
Rick found herself comforting the girls when they thought they did badly, made sure they got good meals,   
and treated for movies and a tour of the sights. She also laid up some guys who had broken through the   
barriers and grabbed some of the girls. Many of the girls then asked 'Virginia' to train them in self-defense.   
She was glad to do it. "We girls need to be able to protect ourselves, since most men are not gentlemen any   
more."  
  
* * *  
  
Somewhere, a dedicated figure was bent over a laboratory bench. The world would soon witness his   
brilliance! He was finished. He had molded the scepter that Miss America would receive, as well as fake   
flowers, using the most powerful explosives. It was his own derivative of C-4. There would probably be   
enough to kill everyone on stage and in the orchestra pit, and forty-million people would witness it! And   
the stupid feds were so clueless! They didn't have a hope of stopping him! Perhaps the next contest they   
would hold would have would be the Miss United Colonies?  
  
"Long live the Queen!" he whispered. Soon, America would rejoin the British Empire, and his illustrious   
ancestor would be vindicated. Perhaps he would even receive a peerage -- Lord Arnold -- it had a nice   
ring!   
  
* * *  
  
Rick wasn't getting much sleep. Between the coaching and the FBI meetings, it was too much.   
Fortunately, Casper was so boring that she could doze during the guy's lectures to the team! Security was   
everywhere! Even the nervous girls noticed it. But the FBI could find nothing. Dogs and men continually   
swept the stage and seats. Nothing!  
  
Then came what Rick was dreading -- the talent contest!   
  
"You'll do great!" said Virginia, with as much sincerity as possible.  
  
Rick smiled nervously in tutu and toe shoes. "Beware the Pinocchio effect!"  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Lies will make your nose grow longer!"  
  
"I'm not worried! It's not my nose now."  
  
Helen was on stage now, and looking very elegant as she sang a great Beatles song, "Yesterday."  
  
Virginia's eyes were drawn to her.   
  
"She's great, isn't she!" enthused Rick. "Right now, of course, she's just a friend. I don't feel any sexual   
attraction to her, but things will change when I get back my own body! Thanks again for squiring her,   
Virginia!"  
  
Virginia nodded. He felt guilty deceiving the girl, but -- well, it was fun to be worshipped by a beautiful   
woman! It was nice being the one who was flattered, and having a woman think more of you than   
themselves. Men never did!  
  
The music from Swan Lake drifted into the theater. With a hope and a prayer, Rick danced out and   
promptly fell on her ass. Red faced, she got up and stumbled into her routine. The audience roared. "What   
a great burlesque of ballet!" whispered the judges to each other, with tears rolling down their cheeks, as   
Rick did one goofy thing after another. The judges knew how good a dancer Virginia Randolph was,   
having watched tapes of her earlier performances. For someone this good to be so bad had to take   
enormous talent. Rick curtsied as the laughter and applause rolled from the audience. Red faced, she   
hurried backstage to find the real Virginia laughing so hard he couldn't stand up straight.  
  
Hot and flushed, Rick was given water by the gofer, Ernie.   
  
"Careful, he's an addict, you know, Miss Randolph."  
  
Ernie, a jolly, plump man, groaned. "Not that old joke again, please!"  
  
"What joke?" asked Rick.  
  
Ernie shook his head. "Nothing, Miss Randolph. It's just that my last name really is Addict. It was been a   
nightmare for me. I've petitioned the courts to change it to Austin. I really admire Jane Austin."  
  
Rick smiled, and changed her costume. She hoped she wouldn't fall down at the interview. Virginia and   
her daddy and mother were counting on her not to disgrace them!  
  
During the interview, Rick sat like a real lady with her legs crossed at the ankles demurely. Her hands   
were sweating inside the white gloves. Still no sigh of Arnold. Casper was going crazy, and blaming Rick   
somehow. The question was, "What do you think is the most important thing a person can do in this   
troubled world? What would you say, Miss Randolph?"  
  
Rick took a deep breath, and her magnificent breasts were eye catching. "Be kind to others. Kindness is   
contagious. Be polite, treat others well. Take the time to be kind, to be friendly. Rudeness engenders rage.   
Treat others like you would like to be treated. If we do this, all the other problems in our world would take   
care of themselves."  
  
The judges all nodded. 'What a real lady,' they thought! 'Breeding sure tells!'  
  
Rick was so tired of eating celery and grapefruit! 'God, do I miss my body!' Then she looked in the mirror   
at the beautiful girl pictured there. She gently touched herself. 'Still, I have to admit, it's a rush being so   
beautiful!'  
  
The earphone buzzed.  
  
"Report in with the real Virginia!"   
  
She had trouble finding Virginia, but found him with Helen, walking under the stars!   
  
"Thank you for getting her interested in me!" whispered Rick on the way to the meeting.  
  
Virginia flushed a little. "That's okay," he mumbled.  
  
Casper was gleaming with happiness. The monkey was off his back. Harrison came in, smiling like a   
senator in front of lobbyists writing checks.  
  
"They caught Arnold!"  
  
"How?" they all asked.  
  
"We got a tip, and found him where we always suspected he would be -- in some shack in Wyoming with   
enough explosives to sink a battleship!"  
  
The buzz went around the room.   
  
"Yes, we can all pull out now! The pageant is safe!"  
  
"What was his name?" asked Virginia.  
  
"Bob Jones."  
  
"What was he still doing in Wyoming? Did he have a ticket to come to the pageant on him?"  
  
"I don't think so. Besides, he may have seen our surveillance and given it up as a bad job."  
  
Virginia frowned with Rick's tough face. "He may be a decoy."  
  
"Now, Miss Randolph, he admitted to being Benedict Arnold," said Harrison, patronizingly.  
  
Virginia flushed angrily. "Maybe he is, but maybe he has been set up as a decoy, as I said. Arnold could   
have found someone who longed to be famous enough that they'd confess to crimes they didn't commit."  
  
"Miss Randolph, you are grasping at straws. We're folding down the operation here. Believe me, I know   
what I am doing."  
  
Even Rick never looked so skeptical of Harrison.  
  
"I'll make arrangements for you and Rick to change back."  
  
"Please wait until after the pageant. I don't think we have time right now."  
  
"Very well, you probably are right. It's not fair to dump you into the middle of things here." He turned and   
grinned at a silent Rick. "I hope you win!"  
  
"Thank you, sir," said Rick, with a sweet smile.  
  
It startled Harrison, but he couldn't object to it. "But remember, you are now on your own. No more FBI   
guarantees that you will make the top five."  
  
Meanwhile, Virginia was writing on a paper. "Please sign this," he ordered.  
  
It read: "I, Harrison of the FBI, am leaving the Miss America Pageant unprotected against the advice of   
Virginia Randolph and Mr. Rick Sherwood."  
  
"Do you agree with this, Rick?" asked Harrison, dangerously.  
  
"Yes, I do -- something smells about the convenience of us catching Arnold so easily. An anonymous   
phone call -- it's just too easy!"  
  
Harrison frowned. "This will go on your record, Sherwood."  
  
"Either sign, or leave the team intact -- in other words, shit or get off the pot, Mr. Harrison," said Virginia,   
with eyes glittering.  
  
He hated to do it, but he signed.  
  
* * *  
  
Rick hardly slept that night. The next day would tell who would win -- and also if she and a bunch of   
others would be dead. Her stepmother helped her calm down in the morning. One good thing; Helen was   
always gushing over what a great guy Rick was, and how much she was looking forward to dating him   
seriously as soon as the contest was over. "He's the greatest guy I've ever meet. Not only handsome and so   
strong, but he really understands me!"  
  
Rick was pleased -- mostly, but she was also worried that when she switched back, Helen wouldn't like the   
old Rick as much as the new one, and that she would be the same gauche, tongue-tied man!  
  
* * *  
  
Rick was so excited -- she made it! She was in top five, even without the FBI's help. She hadn't disgraced   
Virginia and her family after all. It was great, the judges thought her disaster with the ballet was intentional   
and was supposed to be comic. What a break!   
  
Virginia was mulling over the computer...something was wrong -- everyone checked out. Wait a minute,   
there was hardly any history on the gofer -- that harmless man -- Ernie Addict -- the guy with the funny   
name and the effacing manner -- you hardly knew he was there. Wait a minute! Virginia looked at the   
name. It sprang out. 'My God! The name is almost a scrambled version of Benedict Arnold! It has to be   
him! Damn Harrison and the FBI! There's no easy way to get the info to Rick! Now, what are we going to   
do? I have to find Arnold -- alias Ernie Addict!'  
  
The master of ceremonies spoke. "The forth runner up is Miss Missouri, the third runner up is Miss   
California, the second runner up is Miss South Carolina, and the first runner up, who will have to take the   
place of the winner if for any reason she cannot perform her duties, is Miss Florida, and that means the   
winner is...Miss Virginia!"  
  
The applause was thunderous! Rick stood in shock. She couldn't believe it! She had won. She was Miss   
America! In a daze, she walked gracefully out to the platform, and was draped with a silk robe. Rick   
found herself weeping! The gofer Ernie handed the usher the scepter and some flowers. Rick reached for   
them. There was a commotion offstage. Rick saw Virginia tackle Ernie. Now, why? My God -- he must   
be Arnold! Rick took a sniff. Shit! They reeked of C-4! She glanced, and found the detonator!   
Unobtrusively, she pulled it off, all the while still smiling. She saw Virginia wrestling the remote device   
away from Ernie. Whew! But, like a real Virginia Lady, Rick kept smiling.  
  
* * *  
  
A few days later, Harrison was investigating conditions in the polar wastes, and was demoted to field agent   
with a black mark against his name so big it make all other black marks look white. The FBI knew it   
would have never recovered -- might even had been disbanded if Arnold had managed to set off the   
explosives. Also, Casper would never run another op.   
  
Mr. and Mrs. Randolph were very proud. Their own daughter -- Miss America!!  
  
Helen was told that Rick was an FBI agent -- but not about the body swap, and she was excited. Her   
boyfriend was a real FBI agent!  
  
Rick listened to Virginia, even more stunned than when winning the crown. "Please, I am begging you not   
to switch back!"  
  
"You want to be me? Me, forever?"  
  
"PLEASE! Helen and I are in love, and want to get married. I've got a promotion, and can be a real honest   
to God top FBI agent. My daddy would never let me join in a million years as myself. I want this so bad.   
I know it's not fair to you. Also, of course, no one can know we didn't switch back, or were switched in the   
first place!"  
  
Rick's head swam. Remain Virginia, the rest of her life? Well, she would have a mother, she would be   
beautiful, and she would be rich and have a wonderful family name. She looked at Virginia. The man was   
so desperate. Rick sighed and cried. She just couldn't turn Virginia down. The poor man was so in love.   
Rick didn't have the heart! "How are we going to make sure no one knows we didn't swap back?"  
  
Virginia's eyes just gleamed. She hugged Rick's beautiful body. "Oh, I can't thank you enough! I will   
always be in your debt! Using the bureau computer, I found out who the scientist was. I've already talked   
to him. If we both tell him it's okay AND I pay him ten thousand dollars, he will fake the trade back."  
  
Rick looked longingly at the body with which she had been born, and sighed. "Well, objectively, I have a   
better life now. I am certainly better looking, and the thought of having a kind, loving mother warms me.   
It wouldn't be so bad. It probably will be better. Anyway, my word is good. And I like you too much to   
break your heart. Also, I was the one that asked you to date Helen. I guess I cut my own throat!"  
  
'Rick' grinned from ear to ear.  
  
* * *  
  
The next day, they came out of the chamber.   
  
"How's it feel to be back in your own body, Virginia?" asked her father.  
  
She smiled her million dollar smile. "Just fine, daddy. It's good to be back home in my own body."  
  
"Here she comes, Miss America!" sang the FBI agents to Rick Sherwood.   
  
His face grew red. "Knock it off, guys! Or I will rearrange some faces -- especially Casper's!" growled   
Rick.  
  
"Same old Rick," said Casper, resignedly.   
  
  
Epilog  
  
Ernie Addict, alias Benedict Arnold, (he really was named Benedict Arnold the fourth) was convicted and   
was sentenced to life. His words after being convicted were, "Someday, we in the colonies will realize   
what a mistake we made, and turn back to the mother country. What a great day that will be. We will shed   
off the skin of being American Hooligans, and becomes English Ladies and Gentlemen."  
  
He keeps a full sized portrait of Queen Elizabeth in his cell, and faithfully celebrates her birthday.   
  
Harrison disappeared into the snow one night, and was never found again -- not that anybody looked.  
  
Casper, greatly daring, asked Virginia out on a date, and was hurt when she laughed in his face.  
  
Helen and Rick Sherwood are deliriously happy. She is always bragging to her friends that she was   
married to a real man -- not a wimp boy. Rick rose rapidly through the ranks, and now runs the Portland   
Office. He always keeps in touch with his little sister, as he calls Virginia Randolph. She had been Helen's   
Maid of Honor, and they are all very close.   
  
Mr. Randolph is happy that at long last his wife and daughter were not only getting along, but acting like a   
real mother and daughter.   
  
Virginia had a very successful reign as Miss America -- people were a little surprised when she was able to   
deck a would be assailant. But otherwise, she has always been the perfect Virginia Lady. She hates   
periods and heels, but is coping. Virginia kinda would like to get married, but so far, none of the men she's   
met have been good enough for her daddy.   
  
The End...or a Beginning? 


End file.
